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I have the opposite of the Midas touch when it comes to choosing political winners.
Do you want to guarantee your candidate will win?
Just convince me to back the other guy.
Independent, Democrat, Republican – it doesn’t matter. I back candidates of all persuasions and, with inexplicable regularity, they lose.
In our house there is a 100% chance of an UPSET on election night:
- 99.9% of the time I’M UPSET because my guy loses
- a measly .1% of the time there’s an election upset and my candidate wins
Two years ago, the latter – an election upset – caused a chain reaction. An upset of such epic destruction that I am now banned from watching tv on election night.
It all began innocently enough. After an hour of watching early returns – all races going as expected (the other guys winning) – my stomach signaled time to eat.
“What do you want for dinner, pasta or salad?”
“Let’s have pasta.”
“Do you want spaghetti sauce or pesto?”
“The marinara sauce, please. With meatballs.”
“Want some wine? We have a bottle of that cab you like.”
“Not tonight, thanks.”
“Well I’m going to have some. It’ll make my candidates’ defeats easier to swallow.”
Twenty minutes later, butts back in our arm chair recliners; tv trays placed squarely in front of us; warm marinara sauce smothering the thick strands of red onion pasta in bowls atop our trays, we dug in. My second glass of wine – full to the brim – beckoned within easy reach on the tray next to my pasta bowl.
A steady stream of election results scrolled across the bottom of the tv screen as the talking heads preened in their illusory self-importance.
Suddenly!
A breaking news alert!
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One of the state elections was unexpectedly trending for the underdog – my guy. The guy who had no chance was on the verge of being crowned the projected winner!
I jerked my head up from my spaghetti bowl, turned to Hub with a startled, “Did you hear …” and never finished my utterance.
Apparently when I last left my chair, I hadn’t given the foot rest the solid kick needed to lock it in place. My head jerk and body turn were enough momentum to set my chair in motion.
Slow-w-w-w-w-w Motion
The kind of perceived slow motion occurring when you realize something terrible is about to happen and you are powerless to stop it.
As the foot rest snapped abruptly upwards, catching the legs of the tray and launching it towards the tv, my body was thrown back in sync with the now-reclining chair.
I thrust my arms forward in a futile attempt to grab the rapidly receding tray. Alas, we were catapulted in opposite directions.
I yelled; Hub yelled; the tv tray crumpled; the bowl flew; the glass shattered; red wine splotched; spaghetti splattered.
Everywhere.
The beige carpet, the freshly painted white cupboards, the books and paper piles and yoga mat – all covered with the gory aftermath of a blood and guts murder.
…
Politics is messy business …
…
…
Does anyone want to catch a movie Tuesday night?
bemuzin 
Comments on: "Why I’m Banned from Watching Election Night Results" (37)
ha ha! Politics – messy subject at best.
Indeed!
ouch! At least it wasn’t on your laptop! I hope…
Oooh thankfully that escaped!
Oh no! You poor thing. I could so see myself doing that. Too bad you weren’t eating a white sauce and drinking white wine. 🙂
You mean take a chance on ruining one of my 5 black shirts ?!? 😍
I just went back up to check that you tagged this under ‘humor’ otherwise, I was going to skip making a comment. I’m trying to picture this and I can’t stop laughing. Such a perfect combination of red colors and hard-to-remove stains.
I don’t watch results because I just don’t care enough. I vote. I try to decide on a candidate based on issues and things, but the whole process leaves me tired. I just don’t have the energy to watch results. Maybe if my wife started throwing some food around 🙂
I’ve been watching a set of Twilight Zone DVDs this fall. Maybe you should try that.
So happy I can provide you with comic relief 🙂
Thankfully, my trusty Hub knew which cleaning solution to use on carpet and cupboards. I thought we were doomed to ‘grape’ bookshelves forever.
Which would give me greater nightmares – politics or Twilight Zone (don’t answer that!!)
I feel your pain…I have the same “kiss of death” effect on sports teams unfortunate enough to have me rooting for them. I think John Elway has a contract out on me…
I think we all feel like that! Last night, I told Hub my candidates were bound to win this year since the Broncos lost. Isn’t that only fair?
Thanks for reading, Curt!
… oooh, I read the part about the full-to-the-brim glass of wine and thought, this isn’t going to end well, is it? Well done, my dear.
It was such a waste of good wine 🙂
Thanks, Maggie. Hope you are doing well. I sure miss your pretty minerals, crystals and daily chats, but know I’m always thinking about you.
Ah, thanks, Sammy – doin’ fine. ❤
Oh my I cannot even imagine. I hate election night coverage so try to find a station that isn’t running the results
That’s a wise decision, Paula!
How are you doing? I think about you and your family.
I am so sorry I am missing your blog, but as I said, I cannot read the white type on black (and have had to stop following a few others that were gray type). Please let me know if you change to black type again, ok?
Laugh Out Loud FUNNY! The mental imagery is priceless! … including the gory aftermath of a blood and guts murder!
I have had my own fair share of similar disasters. I’m well aware that the cleanup effort required afterward isn’t quite so funny
That’s what I’m here for, Joanne. Free comic relief 🙂
Glad you liked it. I love laughing.
The world is definitely a better place when we can laugh 🙂
What a story — better in the telling than it was in the making, I’m sure Glad that the stains came out. .Politics makes me edgy, but I guess there is no escaping it. My daughter was writing a paper for her US history class last week, and I’m trying to remember which early president was so opposed to political parties; I think it was Washington.
Thanks for reading 🙂
There is much I dislike about our politics, but I think it still beats those in other countries. I truly wish we hadn’t let the federal government so many states’ rights. It’s a ship that can’t be turned noe!
Hahaha! And on a beige carpet too! You must have been spewing. Good thing the stains come out.
This is why I don’t follow politics much, messy business. Glass of red wine full to the brim however, that’s just plain common sense – saves you having to refill a couple of times 😉
That makes me think – did you watch House of Cards? If you love politics you must have loved that show – I found it fascinating, and almost got into American politics on the back of it (and then reality check reminded me that no one is like Kevin Spacey in real life).
No, I hVen’t watched that series! i didn’t know what it was about, but I do watch a lot of them in DVD (you know, buy the whole season and have a marathon till my eyes go blurry). I will keep that one in mind for this winter 🙂
PS a couple of my candidates are winning. Woo Hoo and all the wine is in me not on the carpet 🙂
Oh it’s about American politics, the sorry stuff that goes on behind the scenes basically. Kevin Spacey is stellar in it, I binged both series in a few days, if you like following politics you’ll love this one honestly.
Congrats on the win so far – and on not spilling, not sure which is more exciting 😉
No kidding! I’m a double winner 😍
In the uk we say ‘winner winner chicken dinner’
No idea where that comes from.
Thanks for giving me something to laugh about on an otherwise glum morning.
😍 laughter IS the best medicine! Or travel – got anything planned?
Sometimes the only thing left to do is laugh! Great job on helping me do that, although it’s too bad about the tasty dinner. 😦
Have you ever thought about getting hardwood floors? 😉
LOL or a giant piece of plastic – bib for the floor !!
🙂
Sammy, that is so funny… I mean so awful. 🙂 I could just picture it happening. I hope there’s some way to get all the blood and guts out of the carpet and everything else. Sorry, I’m still chuckling. What a terrible mess to clean up. I wouldn’t find it so funny if it happened to me… well, maybe not until ten years down the road…
🙂 fortunately Hub is not easily upset (since I have calamitous episodes periodically) and he knew the right cleaning solutions to use. Otherwise I would have had to wall off that room !!
Hi Sammy, I’ve popped over from Maggie’s blog and laughed out loud at this. If it’s any consolation, my guy/gal never seems to win either. And my husband and I have been canceling out each other’s vote for many years now. Hope the wine stains came out!!
Thanks for visiting from Maggie’s! I appreciate your comment, and Hub and I have had fun through the years “negotiating favors” for each other’s vote on the issues or candidates where we disagree. It’s all quite comical, and then we still vote – like you – to cancel each other out 🙂
Ha, ha. Funniest thing I read today, or maybe all week. I’m with you — I vote on both sides, even if mostly I stick with one. In California, that’s easy — my guy won by a landslide as expected. My husband, who voted for the other guy, just so he won’t feel bad losing by so much, chucked it all to … whatever, politics. At least it was better than a couple of years back, when Californians managed to re-elect a dead man to state senate. I’m not sure, to this day, how that was worked out in the end.
LOL maybe the dead guy got more good bills passed than the live ones seem to do 🙂