Musings and Amusings

Archive for the ‘Stay Out of The Kitchen’ Category

Stay out of the Kitchen – Part 3

 

Beware Death by Diet !

Recently I received an email from my brother declaring himself the Baron of the Black Eye.

His photo looked like a midnight mug shot after a brutal bar brawl. Both his eyes were enveloped by angry purplish rings and noticeably swollen skin. His sheepish grimace (one could hardly call it a grin) told me there was a post-worthy story waiting to be written.

What the heck?!?” I hollered into the phone.

He explained he’d made himself lunch – basically salad in a pita pocket. Because he wanted to lose a few pounds, he nixed adding dressing to his salad. After taking a bite and swallowing, somehow a piece of lettuce caught in his throat and stuck, lying flat and effectively sealing his wind pipe. He tried coughing to no avail. The lettuce wouldn’t budge, and he could not call out for help or breathe. In a slight panic, he headed towards the sink (for what reason remains unclear).

A short time later he awoke on the floor – head cut; eyes bruised; and a cupboard door hanging askew from its broken hinge near the sink. We surmise when he passed out, his esophagus relaxed enough that (miraculously) the piece of lettuce moved off his wind pipe, and he began breathing again.

Moral of this diet story:
(cue Mary Poppins)

A spoonful of dressing helps the lettuce go down…

 In the most life-saving way!

Stay Out of the Kitchen – Part 2

After reading Stay Out of the Kitchen – Part 1, which started out about Facebook and ended up about Pickleball, you probably suspect I’m not going to be providing you recipes or teaching you how to cook. You are correct. Been there; done that. Cooking regular meals in our household no longer works because of varying dietary restrictions/wants and schedules. If I plan a meal, Hub or I – or both of us – are gone and the food goes unprepared, uneaten and eventually tossed. If I don’t plan a meal, we’re here without fixings, but still usually not hungry at the same time. Fortunately good, healthy takeout and grocery store delis are just blocks away.

So, what of my Stay Out of the Kitchen Series, you ask? Even though we don’t often cook, we still have plenty of food-related and kitchen-related things happen to us. I feel compelled to share them with you!

I’m a little “thin” on postings this week because I’m trying to put the finishing touches on my posts for the A to Z Challenge, which starts on April 1st.

And by “put the finishing touches on” I mostly mean talking myself out of obsessively changing yet another word in an already completed and scheduled alpha post, as if that one word is the key to whether readers will come back the next day. Hub thinks I’m nuts, delusional   admirably goal oriented – not getting a degree and not getting paid, but sitting in front of the computer madly thinking and typing and having panic attacks all day… and into the night. Muttering to myself. Telling him I’m enjoying myself (truthfully, I am).

And speaking of being a little “thin”, I can always count on my sister to come through with some well-researched nutritional advice when I’m trying to keep myself healthy.

Her definition of a balanced diet?

Holding chocolate in both hands.

chocolate3

Stay Out of the Kitchen – Part 1

My sources (I’ve always wanted to say that; it’s the Wall Street Journal) tell me Boomers are the fastest growing user segment on Facebook.

Really?

The generation who grew up on books and no technology? The generation whose faces are  …  sure, I know we’re supposed to embrace our maturity but … now?? … we’re gonna show our faces … now?

Note her nose/lip rings and spiky choker!

Note her nose/lip rings and spiky choker!

Another Boomer craze sweeping the country is PickleBall. Yup, if you’ve never heard of PickleBall, then I’m your source!! Outdoor courts are proliferating in Florida and Arizona (thanks, reliable sources – Mimi & Coco). Rec centers here in Denver are adding outdoor courts to ease the demand on existing indoor courts which have been in constant use this winter.

Pickleball is a loose meld of tennis, ping pong, squash and racquetball, played as a singles or doubles game. The court is the size of a badminton court; the net is lower than a tennis net; and the ball resembles a wiffle ball . The paddle? That’s harder to describe – it most resembles a ping pong paddle, but is larger and made of a composite material without the rubber-coated surface.

image

image

My husband and I have played a few times, mostly trying to get used to the paddle swing and ball trajectory. We haven’t yet learned the strategy or the rules. Except we know the #1 rule:

STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN !!!!

There is an area spanning approximately 4 feet from the net into each side of the court, known as “the kitchen.” A player cannot go into the kitchen to volley … ever. She may go into the kitchen to hit a ball that has bounced in the kitchen, but must back out of the kitchen before the next ball comes across the net.

So far, our play goes like this:

Hub: Serves

Me: Don’t see ball coming over the net through my progressive lens. The ball sails past me.  “Shoot”

Hub: Serves

Me: See ball coming; misjudge distance to ball; whiff.  “Rats”

Hub: Serves

Me: See ball; correctly judge distance; misjudge how high ball will bounce (it doesn’t!); whiff.  “Damn”

Hub: Serves

Me: See ball; get to it; hit it; ball goes into the net. “Shit”

Hub: Serves

Me: See ball; get to it; hit it over the net; hubby returns it. Meanwhile I race to the net and volley a winner. Fist pump. “Yes-s-s-s”

Hubby yells: “No good! My point! You volley’d in the kitchen! YOU GOTTA STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!

 “F*#k-fffttt”

Pickleball is a lot of fun. You get so much exercise retrieving all those balls from the corners of the court.

Try it. You’ll like it.

But no matter what:

STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN !!!!

 

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