Musings and Amusings

Posts tagged ‘Humor’

Stay out of the Kitchen – Part 3

 

Beware Death by Diet !

Recently I received an email from my brother declaring himself the Baron of the Black Eye.

His photo looked like a midnight mug shot after a brutal bar brawl. Both his eyes were enveloped by angry purplish rings and noticeably swollen skin. His sheepish grimace (one could hardly call it a grin) told me there was a post-worthy story waiting to be written.

What the heck?!?” I hollered into the phone.

He explained he’d made himself lunch – basically salad in a pita pocket. Because he wanted to lose a few pounds, he nixed adding dressing to his salad. After taking a bite and swallowing, somehow a piece of lettuce caught in his throat and stuck, lying flat and effectively sealing his wind pipe. He tried coughing to no avail. The lettuce wouldn’t budge, and he could not call out for help or breathe. In a slight panic, he headed towards the sink (for what reason remains unclear).

A short time later he awoke on the floor – head cut; eyes bruised; and a cupboard door hanging askew from its broken hinge near the sink. We surmise when he passed out, his esophagus relaxed enough that (miraculously) the piece of lettuce moved off his wind pipe, and he began breathing again.

Moral of this diet story:
(cue Mary Poppins)

A spoonful of dressing helps the lettuce go down…

 In the most life-saving way!

U is for Useless

 

U Letter

Seriously?

You don’t have this object?

Useless stuff?

Never bought anything on a whim? Because it was on sale? Because you’re positive you’ll fit into it next year?

On Sale: Size 6; I wear Size 12

On Sale: Size 6; I wear Size 12

 

Never succumbed to your friend’s, “You gotta get one of these!” and then wondered, “What was I thinking?”

A mandolin? I don't even cook!

A mandolin? I don’t even cook!

 

Never been so immersed in a cultural celebration or a foreign land that you bought “the outfit”? Wrestled to fit it in your suitcase? Then hung it in the back of your closet, never to see the light of day?

A purple kimono? In Colorado?

A purple kimono? In Colorado?

 

Never dreamed up a project and bought the goods, only to be distracted by another project before you even get started?

2010 Ooooh let's learn Mah-Jongg

2010 Ooooh let’s learn Mah-Jongg

2014 - unopened 2010 ambition!

2014 – Unopened 2010 ambition!

 

Never scooped up the lotions and sample packets because “they’re free” or “I paid for it; might as well take it” and then they clutter up your drawers – unused – for years?

Blistex? Burns my lips. Shampoo for swimmers? I don't go in the pool.

Blistex? Burns my lips. Shampoo for swimmers? I don’t go in the pool.

 

Never?

 

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J is for Jocelyn

J Letter (2)

My family is laced with J names.

A “J” mom who named us four kids J’s. Three of whom married J’s. Who named some of their kids J’s. Who are naming some of their kids J’s.

What were we thinking?

A couple months ago, I emailed all the J’s – nervously excited to announce my new blog. Within minutes, I received a SHOUTING email response from Jocelyn:

“WHO IS THIS? TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST NOW!!!”

It turns out Jocelyn No-Relation-With-The-Same-Last-Name is jlastname24@xxx.com, and my nephew is jclastname24@xxx.com. I erroneously omitted the “c” when I typed my nephew’s email address.

I emailed my nephew to tell him about it. His response?

Jocelyn doesn’t want to be part of OUR J’s? She has no idea what she’s missing!”

 

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F is for Frickin’

F Letter (2)

“Give me an object that starts with F.”

Crowd silence.

“I can’t hear you! Give me an object that starts with F!”

Crowd silence.

Yeah, it’s harder than you think. How about Frickin’ as in I wish I’d never picked a Frickin’ theme, and if I DID pick a Frickin’ theme, I wish I had picked something other than Frickin’ objects!

No?

Frickin’ won’t do?

How about brain Fart ‘cuz that’s what I’m having. Can I use brain Fart?

No?

Fine.

How about Fine?

Can I pay a Fine?

I’d rather pay a Frickin’ Fine than Figure out a Frickin’ object.

frickin fine pic

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March Gotcha’s

Those talented staffers at the Wall Street Journal are at it again, giving me plenty of goodies for the second posting in my Gotcha series. Here are their cleverly composed headlines for articles published in the newspaper during the month of March 2014.

What Angelina and Gwyneth Taught Me

Iditarod? Ha! These Guys Race Bar Stools

Selfies Bring Ashtags to Lent

Nail Shades for Hands of a Certain Age

Where Furs Go After Winter

Vacation In a Cab

Even Olympians Can’t Help Wheaties

Recalling the Days When Democrats Cut Taxes

America’s Strategic Shoe Reserve

On College Campuses, Big Brains Turn the Tables and Feast on Zombies

Tales of a Would-Be Pretty Boy

Little Juiced Coupes

In This Beauty Pageant, The One With the Most Wrinkles Wins

What Would Plato Do?

A Blue to Dye For

The Right Answer Is “No”

That Doorbell Looks Innocent, But It May Be a Federal Offender

Latest Bitcoin Craze? Actual Bank Vaults

The Sandwich That Conquered America

 and my personal favorite:

Clashing Over Office Clutter: “I’m Not Messy, I’m Creative”

STRAIGHT LINE LOGIC

Never underestimate the power of a question

Garden for the Soul

Finding peace in life's garden

besottment by paper relics

Musings and Amusings

Rosemary's Blog

A window into my world

Alphabet Salad

...an eclectic assortment of rants and ramblings

scrapyardthe.wordpress.com/

stories, tea and drippy paint

Dispatches From Kansas

Musings and Amusings

Women Writing the West®

Musings and Amusings

Rocky Mountain Land Library

A Resource Linking Land and Community

The Off Key Of Life

Or….Identifying The Harmless Unhinged Among Us.

Mountain Gazette

Musings and Amusings

Desert Reflections

Thoughts on people, place, being and belonging

Mary J Melange

A hodgepodge of thoughts, ideas and the reality of life.

Fernwood Nursery & Gardens

Maine's Shadiest Nursery

The Task at Hand

A Writer's On-Going Search for Just the Right Words

Zentangle

Musings and Amusings

Notes from a Western Life

The Windbreak House Blog by Linda M. Hasselstrom

NewEnglandGardenAndThread

Master Gardener, amateur photographer, quilter, NH native, and SC snowbird

Portraits of Wildflowers

Perspectives on Nature Photography

Travel Tales of Life

Never Too Old To Explore

bemuzin

Musings and Amusings

A Dalectable Life

Doing the best I can to keep it on the bright side

The Magnolia Review

Just another WordPress.com site

sappy as a tree: celebrating beauty in creation

"I think that I shall never see / A poem lovely as a tree. . . ." -- "Trees," Joyce Kilmer

Michigan in Pictures

Photos of the Great Lakes State

Before Sundown

remember what made you smile

What oft was thought

"True wit is Nature to advantage dress'd, What oft was thought but ne'er so well express'd"--Alexander Pope ("Essay on Criticism").

The Family Kalamazoo

A genealogical site devoted to the history of the DeKorn and Zuidweg families of Kalamazoo and the Mulder family of Caledonia

BREVITY's Nonfiction Blog

Daily Discussions of craft and the writing life

My Life Lived Full

If you aren't living on the edge, you're taking up too much space

Retirementally Challenged

Navigating through my post-work world

Pacific Paratrooper

This WordPress.com site is Pacific War era information

Almost Iowa

Where irrationality trumps reason

Live to Write - Write to Live

We live to write and write to live ... professional writers talk about the craft and business of writing

Tickled To Tangle

Musings and Amusings

Enthusiastic Artist

Musings and Amusings

joeyfullystated

Narrative of a Neurotic & Other Random Nonsense

Tangled Ink Art

Musings and Amusings

Brenda Swenson

Musings and Amusings

Linda Covella, Author

Welcome to middle grade and young adult author Linda Covella's website!

Destination NOW

The answer to "are we there yet?"

WordPress.com News

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

Writing, Reading, and the Pursuit of Dreams

My self-publishing journey and other literary moments

restlessjo

Roaming, at home and abroad

TRAVEL WORDS

Adventures and Postcards from the road

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